Here in America, we are rightfully proud of our free market system. We won out over the Communist menace that threatened the word, and free enterprise prevailed. The world recognized the justice and sanctity of private property, and we have upheld it everywhere, from land to natural resources to ideas. But an unspoken socialist threat still lingers beneath the surface. Or, should I say, up in the sky. Yes, the sun glares down upon our free soil, mocking us with collective ownership. How is it that in a society that recognizes that natural resources are best left in private hands that we could be so foolish as to leave such an important celestial object to the commons?
Well, enough of it! I intend to put this socialist nightmare to an abrupt end. I, Jonathan Cobb, intend to claim my personal ownership of the sun. Our brightest economists insist that it is best for society that all natural resources remain in private hands, to prevent a tragedy of the commons, and as a good capitalist American, I feel it is my civic duty to right this wrong. To seal the deal, I can assure you that a satellite carrying a flag with my name on it is headed straight for the sun, and as soon as it is planted on the sun(or is incinerated, which still counts), I will officially be the sun's owner.
