Here in America, we are rightfully proud of our free market system. We won out over the Communist menace that threatened the word, and free enterprise prevailed. The world recognized the justice and sanctity of private property, and we have upheld it everywhere, from land to natural resources to ideas. But an unspoken socialist threat still lingers beneath the surface. Or, should I say, up in the sky. Yes, the sun glares down upon our free soil, mocking us with collective ownership. How is it that in a society that recognizes that natural resources are best left in private hands that we could be so foolish as to leave such an important celestial object to the commons?
Well, enough of it! I intend to put this socialist nightmare to an abrupt end. I, Jonathan Cobb, intend to claim my personal ownership of the sun. Our brightest economists insist that it is best for society that all natural resources remain in private hands, to prevent a tragedy of the commons, and as a good capitalist American, I feel it is my civic duty to right this wrong. To seal the deal, I can assure you that a satellite carrying a flag with my name on it is headed straight for the sun, and as soon as it is planted on the sun(or is incinerated, which still counts), I will officially be the sun's owner.
I shall be a just and fair sunlord. I will not deny its access to anyone who pays the rent. How much is rent? Well, I think $1,000 a month should be more than fair, considering its numerous benefits. For less money than a loft in upper Manhattan, you can grow crops, stay warm, and get daily doses of vitamin D. Of course, I shall have to charge extra for those who have solar panels on their roof or somehow use solar energy. It's only fair that the biggest consumers pay more.
Naturally, there will be some who cannot afford to pay this rent. Very well, then. They can come work for me. I will need some people's services to ensure that others pay their rent. I can put some of them to work building space ships with which to evict people from the solar system who refuse to pay their rent. These enforcers and builders will have the rent taken out of their wages. The unskilled laborers can farm my personal fields and bring me fine wine, exotic foods, and luxuries to pay off their debt.
America, beacon of freedom that it is, will surely use its vast military resources to enforce my property rights and financial interests abroad, as it has faithfully done for its captains of industry in the past. What politician would dare risk losing my favor in an election? Surely they must understand all that is owed to me, and should they dare try to socialize that which is rightfully mine, their eviction shall be swift, and rightly so. We cannot afford to revert to such Communistic thinking.
I shall bring us forth into a new era. The "ownership society" of our great president's vision will finally be realized. Other entrepreneurs may go on to buy other planets like Mercury or Venus, provided they compensate me for the solar benefits those planets enjoy as well. Eventually, every star, every planet, every asteroid in the universe shall be in private hands, and finally the American dream will be complete. God Bless America!
